


This Could Be Us

by KantUseWhatIKantAbuse



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Peaceful Cohabitation, Cuddling, DMWL reader appreciation fic, Dirty Talk, Food Sex, Ghoul Kaneki Ken, Hide has…issues, Kaneki is a huge spaz, Kaneki just wants to be with him however he can, M/M, Masturbation, Oneshot Kaneki Ken, Porn with Feelings, Romantic Comedy, Self-Acceptance Issues, kink negotiation fail, look at these two dorks dorking it up together as usual, sensual cannibalism, sexual grotesquery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-02-07 09:22:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18617758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KantUseWhatIKantAbuse/pseuds/KantUseWhatIKantAbuse
Summary: Kaneki finally musters the courage to confess to the love of his life. Communication issues and chaos ensue. A loving, smutty tale about self-acceptance and finding your kink.





	1. It Happens To A Lot of Ghouls

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a goofy, mostly light-hearted little reader appreciation fic that I put together as thanks for everyone who has read and supported "Dead Man's Wonderland". I've never done a kiriban before but I had told myself that if DMWL somehow made it to 7777 hits I would put together some thank you materials for everybody who helped us get there. Here we are a year later and DMWL has far surpassed my expectations...I can't believe my baby made it this far!!! (˚˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ )
> 
> Thanks so much for your support thus far everyone—I love you all so much and I love this pairing even more!! I know DMWL is waaay overdue for some updates too—rest assured that they are in the works! However, I decided to make some major changes to the ending that require a fair amount of tweaking to pull it all together and make things work. I am VERY confident that you'll all be happy with the final result though!(≧∇≦)/ As always thanks so much for your patience—In the meantime I hope you enjoy this smutty, nonsensical little romance!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The confused young ghoul blanches even further as Hide continues to try and comfort him for the wrong reason all together and reality finally sinks in._  
> 
> _Nagachika Hideyoshi, his ~~only~~ best friend in the world and the man he has been pining after hopelessly since middle school, is ‘ **one of those** ’._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Spoken dialogue"  
> ((Kaneki's inner voice))  
> // _Thoughts, fantasies, flashbacks and other psychological events_ //  
> [[Communications via electronic device]]

“Kaneki…w-what are you saying?” Hide murmurs disbelievingly, leaning back into the couch cushions a bit to steady himself.

Currently they sit side by side on the worn but comfortable sofa that dominates the small space of the blond’s living room.  Kaneki has his hands clasped together as he stares at them thoughtfully, fully aware that—for better or worse—his next words will most likely determine the course of their relationship for the foreseeable future.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, I really like what we have together Hide…but I’m not sure this is enough for me anymore—and lately I’ve been getting the feeling that maybe it’s not enough for you either,” the dark haired man admits slowly, shifting slightly on the couch so that he can look his blond counterpart directly in the eyes as he speaks, “That’s why I was wondering if...maybe...you’d be interested in taking things a bit further?”

There is a loaded pause as the man before him expels a soft breath of surprise and blinks for a few moments in confusion.

((Shit...))

“…K-Kaneki…Are…Are you asking me what I think you’re asking?"

“Is that a ‘no’?” the ghoul replies solemnly.

“It’s a _fuck yeah_ ,” the blond murmurs back breathlessly, earning a full thirty seconds of open mouthed staring from the ghoul.

“Wow. Um…okay…I’m not sure I was expecting such an enthusiastic response,” he says at last, with a soft expulsion of long pent up nervous laughter, “Good to know I wasn’t completely misinterpreting things these last couple months.”

“Excuse me… _months?_ ” echoes the blond, chuckling ironically, “Try _years_. I’ve only been dropping hints every way I could think of since high school. God, I can’t believe this is actually happening.”

“Wait...so, does this mean that…we’re…?” the ghoul queries tentatively as he gestures awkwardly between the two of them, still not quite able to digest the fact that the man in question actually returns his feelings, "I mean...you seem really shocked. Are you okay?"

Things are _never_ this easy for him.

It’s been eleven years since Kaneki Ken first realized that he’s in love with his best friend.  Eleven long years since he had looked up at Hide in the midst of the blond defending his honor from would-be bullies for the zillionth time since he had known the other boy and had the realization that _this is it_ —this is the most he can possibly love another being.  It’s taken years of struggling to overcome self-doubt and confusion on his part, untold sleepless nights pining and fantasizing, and several bungled attempts, but here he is, confessing to the love of his life at last.

A confession which said love of his life has oh-so-casually just _accepted_.

If he’d had any idea it was going to be this easy, maybe he wouldn’t have spent the past several months in such intense emotional agony, painstakingly planning every move in regard to the blond, strategically dropping hints, mentally debating himself back and forth over whether or not he should allow himself to get his hopes up over the slightest glance from the other man, like some kind of lovesick schoolboy.

“More like _amazing_ ,” answers the blond enthusiastically, “I mean…I _am_ shocked but...I guess I just really wasn’t expecting you to make the first move is all. To be honest I’d always kind of gotten the impression that you wouldn’t really be down with…you know… _that kind of stuff_. At least not with me anyway.”

“Well…maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do,” the ghoul counters suggestively, unable to hide the tinge of indignation that he feels at the implication behind the other man’s words, “Because I’ve been thinking about it for a really long time, and I’m pretty sure that _that kind of stuff_ is exactly what I’m interested in doing with you.”

Hide blinks back at him in genuine surprise for a moment before a slow smile spreads across his features, lighting the entire room up and causing Kaneki to swoon slightly, drawing in a short breath of awe before he catches himself.

“You’re actually pretty smooth, Kaneki Ken, you know that?”

“Oh really now…” intones the dark-haired man suggestively after taking a moment to collect himself.  He slowly moves into the blond’s personal space so that he can carefully bring his arms around the other man’s waist as he leans into Hide’s ear to whisper suggestively, “…Smooth enough for _this?_ ”

“ _Yeah_ ,” the blond breathes back huskily, “Smooth enough for a _lot_ of things, I’d wager.”

“… _Oh?_ ” Kaneki murmurs intelligently, voice now barely more than a whisper, “What kind of things did you have in mi—”

He’s cut off abruptly however as without any further warning Hide leans in to capture his lips in a searing kiss, and in another moment the blond is carefully climbing into his lap as he eagerly explores the ghoul's mouth with his tongue.  Kaneki moans welcomingly into the human’s lips in response, immediately tightening his hold around Hide’s lower back as he indulges himself in the sensation of the other man’s soft, firm thighs slowly wrapping around his midsection, and a few heartbeats later finds him leaning the blond back into the couch cushions so that he can eagerly ravage his mouth from above.  When he’s finally had his fill of that, Kaneki moves on to taste the smooth line of Hide’s jaw and the steady beat of his pulse against the underside of his throat, earning an enticing series of plaintive sounds from the blond in response. 

“A-ah! Kane-ki…w-wait, I…n-not there I—th-they’re r-really sensitive right n—… _haah_ …nh!” Hide mewls endearingly as the ghoul brings a thumb up to toy with one of his swiftly hardening nipples through the fabric of his pullover, following that up with a few nips to his collar bones for good measure, reveling in his new lover’s half-hearted protests.

“ _Mmh_ …That sounds a lot like an invitation, Hide,” he chuckles teasingly, tugging the other man’s shirt up until both swollen little nubs are bared to the cool, open air of the living room.  Always a quick study, Hide hesitantly indulges him, lifting his arms so that Kaneki can slide the garment the rest of the way up over his head until his entire upper body lies bare under the dark-haired man’s gaze before discarding the garment off to the side haphazardly.  Soon after, Kaneki’s lips close over one of the other man’s now fully erect nipples as he flicks and twists the other gently, drawing fitful keens and moans from the blond.

“N-nnh…! _Hih_ …aaah… _K-Kanekii_ …” 

Kaneki hums softly in contentment as he switches from side to side, basking in the intoxicating noises that sound from high in the other man’s throat as he toys with his sensitive chest.  When at last he pulls away, Hide is a shuddering wreck, panting fitfully as he stares up at the ghoul from between moist, half-open eyelids.  The blond tugs weakly at the hem of his shirt, and Kaneki eagerly capitulates—it really is no fair that Hide is the only one losing garments of clothing here.

“Mmh, K-Kaneki…”the blond moans,“I-I know it’s sudden but…did you… w-want to take things to the bedroom?”

“!!!”

“Becuase we can do that…i-if you w—”

 “ _Yes._ ”

 

 

So it is that the dark-haired ghoul finds himself staring at his own half-naked reflection in the over-the-sink mirror of Hide’s bathroom a few minutes later, frowning somewhat discontentedly at his pale features.

((Glasses on... or off?))

The dark-haired ghoul plays around with his appearance a bit, taking off his thin wire frames and tousling his hair a bit, then thinking better of it and putting them back on as he tries to anticipate which version of himself the other man will like best.

((I wonder if he’s noticed I’ve been working out? Wait....Do my arms look too big compared to my thighs? Dammit, I'm gonna have to start going harder on leg day…))

A small frown tugs at the corners of the ghoul’s lips as he squints disparagingly at his large biceps, flexing slightly for himself in the mirror. It’s not like they haven’t seen one another in varying states of undress before, but this time it’s…different.  Hide undoubtedly looks _amazing_ naked.  He can tell just from what he saw of the other man's upper body while they were making out and the way his thighs felt under his palms even through his clothes that the blond is nothing short of perfect; fear of disappointing him even the slightest bit their first time together gnaws at the ghoul persistently while he looks at himself in the mirror.           

((Am I taking too long? I don’t want him to think I’ve gotten cold feet…But he _did_ tell me to take my time.  And I don’t want to walk out there while he’s still getting ready and freak him out. How fucking desperate would that look? Bad enough you’re a virgin, you can _not_ go out there and embarrass yourself by salivating over him like some kind of a hormone ridden teenager!))

Kaneki chokes on pure air a moment later as the implications of Hide ‘getting ready’ for him hit him square in the gut.  Just as they were heading for the bedroom, the blond had paused and asked Kaneki to wait a moment while he prepared himself, suggesting that the dark-haired man use his bathroom to get ready himself in the meantime, which is how the ghoul now finds himself standing in front of his best friend-turned-lover’s bathroom sink, scrutinizing his own physique and facial features like an idiot.  He can only imagine the scene going on in Hide’s bedroom right now…and is he wrong for feeling flattered and outright _giddy_ that the other man has been thinking about him _that way_ this whole time?  And not just a little bit either—apparently Hide’s been planning for this contingency thoroughly enough that he has a _preparation routine_.  Is there anything more arousing than the thought of the blond stretching and lubing himself for the express purpose of taking his cock?

The thought of the human laid out on his own bed, fingers pressed up inside himself as he thinks of the dark-haired ghoul sends a violent flush blossoming up from the tips of Kaneki’s toes to the roots of his hair, and suddenly it is entirely too hot and stuffy in Hide’s little bathroom.  He has just turned on the faucet with the intent of splashing a few handfuls of cool water on his face when Hide’s reedy tenor suddenly sounds from the bedroom, calling for him.

"Kaneki...? I'm ready."

The scene that awaits the dark-haired ghoul as he steps into Hide’s room, practically trembling with barely contained excitement, isn’t quite what he expected.  He can't quite put his finger on it, but there's something off about the room somehow.  Hide sits on the edge of the bed with his knees pressed nervously together, completely naked save for his socks and underwear, which draws a slightly quirked eyebrow from the ghoul—he had kind of expected to find the other man lying naked and waiting for him on the bed, though he's definitely not complaining about the view.  The other man is even more beautiful than he had anticipated, if that's even possible.  The blond directs a searing look of arousal up at him from under thick dark lashes the moment he enters the room, and Kaneki sucks in a sharp gust of breath when he notices the small patch of discoloration at the front of the other man’s tight yellow briefs.  Hide’s underwear are clearly a bit wet where the tip of his swollen cock presses up from the underside of the fabric, and the ghoul’s head swims a bit at the thought of what it will be like to taste the other man’s sweat and pre-ejaculate in his mouth.  Kaneki literally has to clench his fists at his sides to steady himself as he sucks in a breath and slowly moves toward the blond—Something tells him Hide is about to rock his world in more ways than one. 

He has just reached at the edge of the bed when he finally notices the large black object that sits off to Hide’s side, and a glance down confirms that there is indeed a medium sized black trunk of sorts sitting on the bed next to the blond.  Kaneki looks from his best friend to the box and back a few times, blinking confusedly until he finally puts two-and-two together to come to a conclusion.

 _Hide’s into toys_.

“Sooo…I…take it you want me to… _use_ …whatever’s in there on you?” Hide’s shoulders jump a bit when Kaneki carefully takes a seat on the bed next to him and the ghoul’s low, soothing tone sounds close in his ear as the dark-haired man gestures toward the box with a small tilt of his head.

The blond’s eyes lower bashfully in response as he softly nods his assent, and Kaneki can immediately feel his head grow a bit lighter as even more of the blood flow to his brain abruptly redirects itself toward the juncture of his thighs.   

(( _Sweet mother of god_ …this really _is_ the best day of my life. I can’t believe things are finally going my way for once. Kaneki Ken, your luck might just be turning around at last.)) 

“I just want you to know that I’m  _really_ flattered and...happy...to know that you trust me enough to want to share this with me, Hide,” he whispers, carefully slipping his hand down to squeeze at the other man’s thigh affectionately, “And I also want you to know that you’re safe with me. I promise I’ll be careful and it slow, and we can stop any time if you don't feel comfortable with what we're doing...okay?”

“K-Kaneki…” the light-haired man breathes, eyes snapping up to capture his own in a searching look, “You’re sure you’re okay with this? I mean...I don’t want to make you do anything you’re not comfortable with. We can wait if you—”

“I’ve wanted to do this with you for longer than you can imagine Hide," the dark-haired ghoul shushes him, sliding a gentle thumb over his lips, "Trust me.”

Hide’s cheeks and the tip of his nose are covered in a heated flush in response, and the human nods softly before he turns to carefully unlock the lid to the case.  Eyebrows raised in anticipation, the ghoul peers eagerly over the other man’s shoulder as Hide flips the heavy lid open to reveal…a large collection of tools?

A cold sweat slowly begins to break out across Kaneki’s forehead and the back of his neck the moment the contents of Hide’s toy box are made known to him.

Pliers, clamps, a large pair of shears, a bone saw, several differently sized scalpels and an assortment of different wicked looking knives and other tools glitter under the flickering candlelight that softly illuminates Hide’s bedroom, and Kaneki’s eyes go wide as saucers as he watches the blond carefully spread the buffet of murder implements out across his bed, a bashful smile lighting his cherub-like face as he glances back over his shoulder to regard his ghoul counterpart with a hopeful, searching look. That's when he finally realizes what it is about Hide's bed that seems so off—there is a thin layer of plastic sheeting covering the entire area beneath the other man's bed and a good portion of the center of the bed itself.

“I hope I got everything right,” the blond man says a bit nervously, biting his lip a little, “I mean…I’ve done a lot of research on my own, but I wasn’t entirely sure what all you’d need, so I just kind of got a little bit of everything.” 

“H-Hide…?” murmurs the dark-haired ghoul in a half-daze as he stares, mouth agape at the bizarre scene before him.

“Oh god, I'm sorry…I-is there something missing?” the blond queries, looking anxiously between the ghoul at his back and the set of tools that lies before him, “I’m so sorry Kaneki! I-if there’s something else you need just let me know and I can run out to the hardware store really quick! I mean…if you don’t mind waiting.”

 _“H-hardware…store_ …!?”the ghoul chokes, air catching in his chest as he struggles to comprehend what he's hearing, “What are you  _talking about_ , Hide? What’s going on?”

“…? Kaneki…are you okay?” Hide asks, shifting over to reach for him, face contorted into a look of concern, “What’s wrong?”

“H-Hide, I don’t…I-I can’t…”

“Wait…Kaneki…” murmurs the blond a moment later, face suddenly melting into an expression of understanding as he belatedly identifies the look of panic and confusion that is swiftly spreading across the other man’s features, “Does this mean…you haven’t done this before?”

The dark-haired ghoul shakes his head slowly from side to side, thoughts racing.

((This can’t be real.))

“S-so…that means…I’d be your…f-first…?” whispers Hide hesitantly, alluring blush creeping down the side of his neck now as he slowly puts the pieces together.

Kaneki nods back lightly, bewilderment only intensifying as the other man grows redder by the moment.

“ _K-Kaneki…_ ”Hide shakes his head in disbelief, eyes growing inexplicably moist with tears, “I… _can’t believe you waited all this time for me_ …I—”

The dark-haired man’s eyebrows quirk in confusion again as he struggles to follow the very one-sided conversation that the blond seems to be having with himself.

((Hide…Oh, Hide… _No_ …What are you _talking about_ Hide? Please…tell me this is all just a really bad joke.))

“It’s okay, Kaneki,” the blond reassures him calmly after a moment of contemplation, completely misinterpreting the crestfallen expression that has overtaken his friend’s face as he moves to settle his hands on the dark-haired ghoul’s shoulders in a steadying manner, “I hear this happens to a lot of ghouls their first time.”

The confused young ghoul blanches even further as Hide continues to try and comfort him for the wrong reason all together and reality finally sinks in. 

 

Nagachika Hideyoshi, his ~~only~~ best friend in the world and the man he has been pining after hopelessly since middle school, is _‘one of **those** ’_.

          

Having been raised in an age where advancements in culinary science have made it possible for ghouls to ingest alternative food sources and thus live in an integrated society with their human counterparts, Kaneki, like most young ghouls, has been raised to see humans as equals rather than mere livestock—their clever but comparatively frail fellow sentient beings who are to be respected and handled with care.  In turn, the vast majority of humans are raised to no longer fear ghouls as horrific flesh-eating monsters, but to instead recognize them as intelligent beings who are pretty much just like themselves save for a few special dietary considerations and minor cultural differences. 

Of course, there are always exceptions.  Some ghouls, who were raised the old way or have particularly strong hunting instincts or for whatever other reasons, reject the new order, choosing to subsist on human meat despite the availability of other options.  They are considered dangerous social deviants and are generally forced to operate underground, but the situation is compounded by the fact that there is also a small subset of humans who, for whatever reason, actually _desire_ to be eaten by ghouls, often times as a part of some bizarre sexual fetish. 

Kaneki has heard tales of such… _abberations_ …all his life; they’re whispered about in hushed tones by young ghouls who, having grown up in the era of cohabitation, have never experienced the taste of real human meat, and as adolescent ghouls with growing appetites and libidos, naturally have some level of fascination with the so-called forbidden fruit that is live human prey.  It’s no secret that many young ghouls experiment with real human flesh at some point in their lives, in spite of or perhaps even _because_ of the relentless indoctrination that all ghouls receive from a young age, warning against the dangers of addiction to human meat.  In fact, he can even distinctly remember an incident in which he was offered what he was assured was actual human flesh himself.

Kaneki had been in the middle of his junior year of high school when some illicit contraband, supposedly procured from one such human deviant, had made the rounds among the all the young ghouls in his neighborhood and inevitably ended up getting passed around at a party.  Being the straight-laced, somewhat socially inept young man that he was, at the time Kaneki had firmly declined to try any. After all, how could he possibly face his best friend, a human whom he’d been secretly harboring romantic feelings toward for _years_ knowing he’d willingly partaken of human flesh? But he can still vividly remember the oddly tantalizing smell of it as it wafted into his awareness, raw, primal and highly appetizing in a distinctly different manner from anything he had ever tasted before.  At that moment Kaneki had felt something stir inside him; a deep ache that had started at the pit of his belly and travelled up, up, up, winding its seductive arms about his hips, spine and the base of his skull like a lover the entire way. 

And suddenly his head had been inexplicably full of _him_.  Hide, his childhood friend, whom he had loved as much as it was possible to love another person and then some for almost as far back as he could remember, had sprung into his mind’s eye in perfect clarity—naked, writhing and covered in thick swaths of his own precious lifeblood.  Even now the dark-haired ghoul can remember vividly how he had reacted to the abrupt influx of sensation.  Horrified, he had abruptly left the party in a confused stupor, heart pounding and the inside of his head muggy and convoluted with multiple conflicting urges, just barely lucid enough to text his best friend and tell him he was heading back by himself for a family emergency. 

He hadn’t even made it half way home before he had had to duck into a public bathroom to jerk himself off, face beet red and sparkling with sweat, stroking his shaft violently to images of his childhood friend bathed in river upon river of his own bright red essence.  In his fantasies, Hide had struggled weakly as he bucked and twitched under the dark-haired ghoul, throat ripped open wide and legs spread even wider as Kaneki pounded into him relentlessly from above, moaning and sighing at the sensation of the other boy’s insides softening around his cock while the breath of life slowly left his body.

When it was finally over, he had stood stricken with guilt and fear, staring down in horror at the evidence of his own perversion.  Kaneki had taken one look at himself, hands and lower abdomen covered in copious amounts of his own swiftly cooling seed, mouth awash in red where he’d had to bite his own wrist ragged to keep from crying aloud as he imagined violently fucking—and _eating_ —his best friend and begun sobbing inconsolably with the knowledge that just that brief encounter with temptation had planted the seed of something terrible inside him—something that _shouldn’t be_. 

After he had cried until he wretched— _twice—_ the dark-haired boy had somehow managed to collect himself enough to clean up and get home, but the incident had stayed with him, leaving the young ghoul with a deep aversion to any and all things associated with human meat— _especially_ those humans who would willingly give of their own flesh to satisfy the cravings of ghouls.  Since that day, Kaneki has had an extremely low opinion of all humans who fetishize ghoulism or have ghoul related kinks, his fear of them and their ilk running almost as deep as his disdain for those of his kind who forsake their better judgement to wallow in their baser desires. They may be the stuff of fantasies for young ghouls who aren’t yet fully socialized, but they are the stuff of nightmares for a relatively well-adjusted adult ghoul like himself who is trying his best to lead a normal life in an integrated society.

 

And apparently his best friend is one such human—a degenerate, obsessed with breaking one of society’s greatest taboos for the sake of personal gratification.

 

“A-anyway, it’s my fault for trying to take things all the way so soon. I’m sorry, Kaneki, I should never have suggested it,” the blond reassures him, carefully closing up his toy chest and snapping the lid shut, “Don’t worry, we don’t have to do anything tonight if you’re not ready. I mean…I’ve waited all this time—I can wait until you’re really ready.”

_((Oh god…he’s…he’s a… **pervert**.))_

“H-Hide, I-I–”

“Unless…” the blond’s eyes go wide as he is seemingly hit by an abrupt realization. “Is…is it… _me?_ Are you…just not… _interested_ …in me?...I-Is there something w-wrong with me, Kaneki?”

“W-what!? _No!!_ ” the ghoul responds reflexively, feeling genuinely defensive at the very implication that he might find the other man unappealing in any possible way, “Why would you think that!?”

“Well…I mean…I know ghouls tend to have certain preferences and stuff, so…I was thinking maybe it’s like a…a compatibility thing? They say that male ghouls around your age tend to like young women…because… _you know_ …they’re all… _tender_ …and juicy and stuff,” the blond confides, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly as he lowers his eyes.

Kaneki can see the way Hide’s chest deflates little by little as he speaks, with the blond curling in on himself further and further by the moment in growing embarrassment.  And somehow, inexplicably, the ghoul feels himself being slowly overtaken by a twinge of anger as the other man speaks.

“You know you can tell me if you’re just going along with this to make me feel better…r-right Kaneki? I-I wouldn’t be offended or anything! I mean…you can’t help what you like, and you shouldn’t try to force it if you’re not really—”

“I’m _not_ interested in girls Hide!” the beleaguered young ghoul insists loudly, startling the other man with his unexpected outburst.  Realizing that his tone has gotten rather elevated in his frustration, Kaneki brings it down a notch as he continues, “Look…I’m interested in _you_ , alright? _I want **you** , Hide_. Just you. Not some…some _random girl._ Or anyone else for that matter…Okay?”

“ _Kaneki_ …I…” Hide blinks at him in confusion as the dark-haired man runs a tender thumb over his left cheekbone, offering him a small smile of reassurance, “So you’re really okay with…with…”

The blonde gestures awkwardly toward himself, eyebrows raised in hopeful uncertainty, and Kaneki feels himself melting into a puddle of helpless man-goo from the inside out at the very sight.

((This can’t be happening. I’m…really in love with him _. **I’m in love with a dangerous sexual deviant**. _What’s _wrong_ with me!?))

“Well…I mean…I do think… _maybe_ we’re not quite on the same page here as far as our… _preferences_ …are concerned,” the ghoul admits slowly, nervously clearing his throat as he tries to explain things as tactfully as he can; he doesn’t want the other man to feel any more embarrassed than he already does, “But I’m _definitely_ okay with you, Hide. _More_ than okay. I just think that if we’re going to be… _intimate_ … together, maybe we’re going to have to talk a few things out first. I-I…I think you might be seriously misunderstanding what it is that I want to do with you, for one thing.”

Hide cocks his head to the side a little bit at that, eyebrows furrowing and mouth quirking into a cute little frown as he tries to process what exactly it is that his would-be lover is attempting communicate.  Kaneki has to stifle a small chuckle at the other man’s expression—he looks for all the world like a confused little puppy, desperately trying to comprehend what his master wants him to do.

The ghoul offers his human counterpart an indulgent little smile as he slides a gentle hand down to knead at his lower back suggestively.  Despite his clownish mannerisms, Hide is an extremely astute and intuitive boy, Kaneki reasons—he should be able to put two and two together easily enough.

“… _Oh my god_ ,” the blond groans after a moment of befuddlement, realization and subsequent mortification breaking across his face at last, “I am _such_ a doofus!”

“No, you’re not,” the ghoul counters, shushing him gently, “Look, it’s okay, it was just a misunderstanding. I’m not… _mad_ or anything, you just…surprised me a little bit, that’s all.”

“No, it’s not!! Oh my god..I can’t believe I just made such a fool out of myself,” Hide wails, burying his face in his hands in genuine embarrassment, “You must think I’m some kind of insane weirdo or something.”

“Hide, it’s okay…Really! I probably should have been a little bit clearer about what my intentions were before we got started,” the dark-haired ghoul insists, tilting his head so that he can gaze down into the other man’s flushed face as he carefully pulls his hands free from it, “I really do want to be with you Hide, just…not quite like that.  I’m sorry too—I didn’t mean to put you out there like that.  Forgive me?”

“Well I think it’s a bit too late for that. I feel like such a fucking dunce right now,” the blond gripes ashamedly, closing his eyes slowly as he sighs loudly with frustration at himself, “God, I totally had the wrong idea about what was going on here. I’m so sorry, Kaneki—Really. I must have made you so uncomfortable when I suddenly started pulling out all those tools and things.”

“I mean…I have to admit I _was_ a little freaked out at first. I was afraid maybe my best friend had been some kind of homicidal maniac all this time and I didn’t know it,” the dark-haired man teases with a grimace followed by a sheepish little chuckle.

“But…honestly? I don’t think there’s anything you could possibly do to turn me off, Hide,” the dark-haired ghoul breathes softly after a short pause, “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this. How long I’ve wanted _you_.”

“D-dude, you’re making me blush…” comes the blond’s muttered retort as he mushes the doting ghoul’s face away playfully, pulling back a bit to stare up at the other man from under thick lashes, “I get it though…You’ve been on my mind for a long time too, Kaneki.”

“So…does that mean you’re still interested in… _you know_?” the ghoul queries, peering into his human counterpart’s soft brown eyes tentatively, “I mean…I know it’s not exactly what you were thinking of, but if you’re willing to give it a chance I think it could be even better than what you had in mind before.”

“ _K-Kaneki_ …”

“I was serious about what I said before…I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you, Hide,” the dark-haired ghoul admits quietly as he leans forward to carefully press his forehead to the blond’s, lowering his eyes shyly as he uses both thumbs to gently caress the other man’s smooth jawline “Just…trust me, Hide. Please? I promise I’ll take good care of you if…if you'll let me.”

Kaneki can actually see the little shiver that ripples through the human as he confides his desires in a half-whisper, slowly reaching down to intertwine the fingers of his right hand with the other man’s now visibly trembling digits. 

Hide’s eyes are partially glazed over in a wistful fog as his mouth hangs slightly agape, breath already growing shallow and quick again with longing.

“O-of course. _I’m yours, Kaneki…_ any way you want me,” the blond whispers back desperately, unceremoniously shoving his tools and tool box off the bed and onto the floor with a loud ‘clang’ before he shifts forward to settle into the dark-haired man’s lap for the second time that night.  Kaneki can feel Hide’s erratic little heartbeat pounding fervently against his rib cage, swift and fragile but steady like the beating of hummingbird wings as the human leans into him until their chests and foreheads meet.

“I’m sorry I freaked you out…I didn’t realize what it was you really wanted, Kaneki,” croons the blond, voice just above a whisper as he slowly presses into the ghoul with his lower body too, so that their crotches now rub firmly together.  He can feel Hide’s growing erection straining against the front of his underwear as it rubs up against his own not so modest bulge, “I-If I’d known you wanted to do things the old fashioned way, I wouldn’t have bothered with all the tools and stuff.”

“…?”

“I-I prepped myself for you the best I could just now, but you still might want to do a little more kneading around my back and shoulders before you get started—I couldn’t really reach there too well by myself,” the blond confesses breathily, voice taking on a touch of huskiness as he grinds his hips lightly into the ghoul’s, looping his arms up around Kaneki’s shoulders and pulling his head down so that the ghoul’s mouth hovers over the side of the blond’s neck as Hide whispers suggestively into his ear, “ _Anywhere else you want to try should be nice and tender though._ ”

“… _!?!?_ ”

“I-I’ve been doing yoga and stuff for a while now to try and soften up a little bit…ever since it started to look like you might be… _interested…_ in me,” Hide admits then, burying his face in the other man’s neck bashfully as a deep flush starts to color his cheeks, “Oh yeah! A-and I changed my shower gel and shampoo up too. I read that ghouls are sensitive to strong artificial smells, so I tried my best to go with something organic that wouldn’t hide my natural scent from you too much, but…to be honest my skin is kind of dry, so I ended up with this peaches and cream oatmeal scrub stuff. I-I hope it doesn’t smell too much like human food for you—it was the only one I could find that really keeps me moisturized, and I figured even ghouls don’t like dry meat, _haha_.”

Kaneki’s eyes go wide as he listens to the other man nervously explain how he’s been preparing himself…not to take the dark-haired ghoul’s cock, but to be _eaten_.

That’s when it becomes apparent to him just how fixated the love of his life is on becoming his meal, and Kaneki is at once disturbed by the seriousness with which Hide has been anticipating being consumed by him and _terrified_ by the fact that his own body chooses to react to this newly acquired information by _becoming even more aroused._

Oblivious to the utter havoc he’s wreaking on the ghoul’s self-control with his hesitant advances, Hide continues to stoke the growing blaze that simmers in the pit of Kaneki’s stomach with merciless ease, tentatively licking at the outer shell of the ghoul’s ear as he arches into the dark-haired man so that Kaneki can feel his pert little nipples rubbing up against his chest.  Hopelessly enticed by the delicious friction of their erections sliding against one another through the fabric of their underwear, the dark-haired ghoul finds himself leaning in a bit to surreptitiously scent the crown of the human’s head, shamelessly sucking in a deep lungful of Hide’s pleasant natural odor through his nose.

As far as ghouls go, Kaneki has a rather weak olfactory sense, but this close he can smell the other man _very_ well, and Hide does indeed smell faintly of peaches and cream.  The mild scent of body wash is obvious but not overpowering—nothing like the overwhelmingly musky, artificial scent of shower gel and aftershave that most young men his age tend to emit.  It mixes pleasantly with the blond’s own slightly spicy, cinnamon-like natural aroma, teasing Kaneki’s taste buds through his nose and practically setting his teeth chattering with loosely contained want.  The sheer smell of him sends a bolt of arousal right down to the ghoul’s crotch, causing his cock to fill rapidly with increased blood flow as his sexual appetite is stimulated relentlessly.  The two of them seem to be _distressingly_ physically compatible, which makes Hide’s outlandish fetish all the more conflicting for his dark-haired counterpart.

(( _Fuck fuck fuck… **Fuck**_ …He smells _amazing_.  _HideHideHide…Wanna eat his ass to oblivion, fuck his mouth, taste his sweet little insides while I—_ … _OH GOD._ **_NO._** ))

“Oh! And I’ve been doing some hormone treatments lately to try and tender up a bit too. I’m… _ahh_ … kind of proud of how thick my hips and thighs are getting now, and I think my chest has gotten pretty full lately too, so…maybe you could try one of those first?” the blond suggests, releasing a slightly breathless puff of warm air against the side of the ghoul’s trembling jaw.

((Oh my… _god_ …they **_are_** thick…and _soft_. Has he really been taking hormones for this? How the hell did he even _get_ those!? ...No. _KANEKI, NO._ You are _not_ doing this with him!!!))

“H-Hide! Hide, I—…!!!”

“ _Nnh_ …p-please don’t make me beg Kaneki. _Need you so much right now bookworm_ ,” the other man murmurs distractedly as he sinks into the panicked ghoul’s arms contentedly, resting his chin against Kaneki’s shoulder to pant open mouthed as he rocks his hips back and forth against the dark-haired man’s slowly, causing their cockheads to brush against one another through the barrier of their underwear on each up-thrust.  The increasingly overwrought ghoul groans and bites his lip at the sinful way that the human’s voice strains as he calls out his childhood pet name. 

And then Hide shifts in his lap, and suddenly the other man’s tantalizingly soft ass is pressing up against the ghoul’s woefully engorged cock as the blond keens softly against the side of his jaw.

“ _Nhh_ … _K-Kanekiii_ …”

((Oh… _god_. Am I…am I… _really_ wrong for finding the thought of him getting ready for me like that kind of hot? I mean…isn’t that just some kind of…ghoul instinct or something? _Fuck, he’d probably **love** it if I just stuck my tongue inside and tasted him like candy right no_—NO!! This is sick, Kaneki! It’s _wrong._ And I’m seriously trying to rationalize it! Oh my god… _does this mean **I’m** some kind of sexual deviant too!? _Oh god oh god oh god…I’m about to commit a crime… _You’re about to get me thrown in prison Hide!_ ))

“ _Ahh_ …! _K-Kaneki_ …you’re s-so big…w-want you inside while you take me,” the blond moans as he impulsively begins to shift his hips back and forth in the dark-haired man’s lap, mimicking sex against him.  Soon the ghoul’s straining cock is wedged up between his human counterpart’s perfectly plump ass cheeks through their underwear as Hide rides him, and Kaneki bites down on his lower lip until it hurts as he imagines flipping the blond around and forcing him onto his hands and knees so that he can fuck him from behind while he sinks his aching teeth into the tender flesh of the other man’s lower back. 

The ghoul finds his fingers clenching and unclenching involuntarily as he struggles against his instincts for a good few moments before his better judgement finally wins out and he retracts his hands like they’ve just touched a hot stove, planting them firmly into the mattress to keep from doing something he’ll regret later.  His unease seems to completely escape the other man however, as Hide continues to buck and grind against him through the barrier of their underwear, gasping and moaning softly into the dark-haired man’s neck as he begs the ghoul to ravage him to literal pieces.

“Kaneki… _ahh_ …d-don’t hold back…want you to do what you want with me…p-please,” the blond sighs desperately, eyes closed tightly as he buries his face in the dark-haired ghoul’s shoulder and begs to be devoured.

(( _Hide_ …Hide nooooo!! What are you saying? Who did this to you? …Why can’t you just beg to ride my face like a _normal_ gay!? Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck, fuck, _fuck!!!_ ))

“K-Kaneki—ah! _Kaneki, please..._ c-can’t wait…w-want you so bad…I can t-take it I promise…p-please, Kaneki… _Kane-kiii_ … _a-ah!_ ”

((Holy shit, this is _so wrong_ …but _he’s probably so fucking tight_ , **_ugh_** , I bet his ass cheeks would just _melt in my mouth_ like _fucking butter, I—_ … _NnnnnggGAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!_ ))

Through pure strength of will, the dark-haired ghoul somehow manages to carefully extract the shuddering, keening mass of human from his lap and deposit him gently into the pillows that line the top edge of Hide’s mattress.

“…???...K-Kane—?”

“Hide…Hide, _please_ …just…listen to me for a second, okay?” he entreats softly, cutting the other man off as he buries his face in his hands to keep himself from faltering at the enticing sight that lies before him, “I’m going to get up now and put my clothes back on…and then I’m going to go.

 

“I’m sorry Hide, but I can’t do this.”

 

There is a moment of strained silence as the other man slowly comes to terms with the fact that the ghoul is indeed serious.

“K-Kaneki, _w-wha…?_ I…w-what did I…?” He can hear the confusion and building tears that crack the blond’s tone as he immediately raises his voice in protest, and at that moment a searing bolt of self-reproach and dread pierces the dark-haired man’s heart. 

 

Hide doesn’t deserve this.

 

He doesn’t deserve to have his heart broken moments after getting his hopes up. He doesn’t deserve to be left hanging and walked out on with no explanation.  He doesn’t deserve _any_ of this.

 

But he _does_ deserve to _live_.

 

“ _Do_ _not_ _follow me, Hide_ ,” the ghoul intones firmly, before he thinks better of it and softens his tone slightly, feeling the blood pool underneath his fingertips as he clenches his fists so hard at his sides that the sharp crescents of his own short nails breaking skin, “I…I know you’re confused but…I just…I need to go. _Right now_. And I need to know that you won’t come after me. …Do you understand?”

“…Hide?”

There’s a painful silence before the dark-haired ghoul finally musters the courage to look up…and immediately his heart sinks.  The blond is curled up at the head of the bed, face bright red and streaming with tears of humiliation, mouth gaping in utter shock at the young ghoul’s sudden change of heart as he struggles for words.  Instinctively Kaneki jerks toward him, but before he can follow through with the motion Hide recoils, slowly pulling in on himself until he sits with his knees folded up against his chest, face buried in his forearms as he weakly nods his head in the affirmative.

For a moment Kaneki stands there, staring back at the other man as he struggles for words himself, until he realizes that there aren’t any.  There’s nothing else he can say at this point—the damage has been done, and he absolutely cannot falter right now…not if it will risk Hide’s safety.  What’s more, if he turns back now it will mean he just put the love of his life through several moments of utter heartbreak for nothing.

Thoughts racing, the dark-haired ghoul carefully retraces his steps back out into the living room, where he collects the rest of his discarded clothes and hastily pulls them on.  A glance around the small space reminds him that he and Hide made a bit of a mess of the living room during their heated make-out session earlier.  The thought of the other man having to clean up the evidence of their tryst by himself after he leaves tugs mercilessly at Kaneki’s heartstrings until with a heavy sigh he straightens his shoulders and sets about quickly tidying up the room.

The ghoul makes quick work of the mess, all the while listening nervously for sounds of the blond stirring in the other room, but Hide doesn’t make a sound, obediently conceding to Kaneki’s request that he not follow.  Insides clenching with heartache and remorse, the dark-haired ghoul makes a hasty retreat from the small apartment that the blond calls home, locking the other man in as he leaves.  

On the train home, Kaneki spends his ride cataloguing the prep-work he needs to do for his practical tomorrow, desperate to fill his head with something, _anything_ but the thought of Hide’s bent back and trembling limbs, pulling in on themselves forlornly as he sobs voicelessly into his own skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I tagged this for Oneshot Kaneki, but technically his personality and mannerisms are a blend of his persona from the oneshot and canon, as I am sure you have noticed. Hide is obviously all kinds of fucked up, but there is very good reason for that, as you will soon understand, heheh. This is a pretty short fic, so I hope to have the next three chapters of it edited and up by the end of GW.


	2. "Read 8:46pm"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“AaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back when I was in high school I went vegetarian for a few years. I don’t know if it was because I just dropped meat all together without easing myself into it or what, but in the beginning, I had these horrible, vivid nightmares where I’d be munching on a carrot or some other vegetable and it would suddenly turn into like…a hotdog or some other meat while I was in the middle of eating it. I would wake up in a cold sweat every time, absolutely terrified because I knew that deep down I really missed the taste of cooked animal flesh. 
> 
> And that, emos, femos and themos, is the exact same energy our favorite ghoul is on for most of this fic.

The next few weeks feel like months, and Kaneki slowly realizes that until now he never properly appreciated how much of his time was spent with Hide—now that the other man is out of his life, the dark-haired ghoul finds himself with an inordinate amount of free time on his hands.  The one positive thing about it is that with so much extra time he has been forced to throw himself into his studies.  His graduate studies advisor, who is ordinarily somewhat distant and spartan in his approach to mentor-ship at best, seems to be particularly impressed with his dedication to his work these past several days, having rewarded Kaneki’s efforts with an uncharacteristic amount of praise, reserved though it may be.  Perhaps having caught on to the fact that his protégé has been in particularly low spirits lately, he has also increased the ghoul’s workload somewhat, asking him to TA for a couple of his classes in addition to his clinical internship.  The extra work is quite demanding, but to Kaneki it is a welcome distraction.  Every day is a battle with himself not to pick up the phone and call the blond, and he thanks his lucky stars that the other man's job is located at the other end of the ward—as long as he stays away from the few shops that the two of them tended to frequent together, there is very little chance that the two of them might accidentally bump into one another.  

As anticipated, it’s still absolute torture for the ghoul. This is the first time he and the blond have spent so much time apart since they've known one another, but Kaneki somehow manages to stand resolute in his determination to cut off all contact with Hide—not indefinitely, but at least until they have both had plenty of time to cool off (mostly because he honestly does not trust himself around the other man after the heated exchange that took place during their last encounter).  His hope is that his abrupt disappearance will snap the blond to his senses, or at least give Kaneki himself enough time to regain his self-control. 

Life without his own personal sun is definitely grueling, but the ghoul keeps himself together by reminding himself constantly that this is for Hide’s own safety; that once he is sure that he can keep his urges down to a low simmer in the blond’s presence he’ll confront him properly, apologize and explain to him why they can’t be together—at least not like _that_ anyway.  Obviously, it’s too late to let the other man down easily, but at least he can take the time to properly explain to him that the whole confession thing was a _huge_ misunderstanding on his part; that he’s sorry for leading Hide on and doesn’t want to stand in the way of him finding true happiness some day…without him. 

It’s doubtful that they’ll be able to go back to how things were before he confessed, but at the very least he’s sure that Hide will give him a chance to explain himself if he only asks—after all, that’s part of the reason he was able to muster the strength to leave the other man behind that day in the first place.  As guilty as he feels for having taken advantage of his best friend’s perpetual good will, he knows without a doubt that Hide will hear him out once he finally gathers up the courage to talk things out with the blond—that’s just who Nagachika Hideyoshi is. It’s one of the reasons Kaneki loves him so dearly.

The ghoul manages to stick to his guns—he doesn’t contact Hide for a full month and change and, thankfully, the other man doesn’t reach out to him either.  Through a combination of throwing himself into his studies and doubling up on his shifts at his part-time job as a barista he manages to fill his time pretty well, and his strategy of avoiding their usual haunts keeps him out of the other man’s way quite effectively.  As a result, Kaneki’s pedagogy courses and practicals are both going swimmingly.  He already had good marks, but the extra incentive to focus on his work has elevated his test grades and clinical evaluations from excellent to stellar.  To top it off he’s gotten nothing but praise from the customers and staff at the café where he works as well. 

Indeed, on paper Kaneki’s life is going great... 

...But the truth is, it’s _terribly_ boring without Hide.

 

That’s why he can barely contain the electric rush of excitement that suffuses his entire being when he abruptly receives a text from the man in question one stormy Sunday evening, nearly six weeks after his last encounter with the blond.

Kaneki’s phone springs to life with the familiar, upbeat sequence of chimes that signal he has gotten a message from his best friend, and the dark-haired ghoul finds himself practically salivating like one of Pavlov’s dogs as, unthinkingly, he snatches up his phone and with baited breath immediately looks for the notification preview of Hide’s message on his lock screen, in a perfect example of conditioned response.  The ghoul remembers himself a split second later, slamming the phone back down onto his kitchen table face-down before returning to his meal, pulse racing.  The phone chimes one more time shortly afterward, but this time Kaneki snatches the device up again and, fingers trembling, mutes his notifications before shoving it firmly into his back pocket.

After dinner the ghoul decides to call it an early night, opting to shower and head to bed immediately after dinner despite the fact that it’s barely a quarter past eight.  Ordinarily he would stay up reading or studying for a bit before bed, but the sooner he goes to sleep the sooner he can wake up and go to clinical, where at the very least he knows he’ll be kept too busy for his mind to be overtaken by thoughts of what the blond could have been messaging him about so suddenly on a Sunday night.

Kaneki makes it as far as climbing into bed before his conscience finally gets the better of him.  He had made it pretty obvious when he left that fateful day that he didn’t want Hide chasing after him, and thus far the blond has been very accommodating, leaving him in peace for a full month and a half—so why would Hide be messaging him at eight o’clock on a Sunday night?  What if it’s an emergency? What if something happened to him?  What if the love of his life is lying half-dead in a ditch somewhere right now and the first person he thought to call for help was  _him_ even though he’s an insensitive dick who’s been nothing but a complete and utter coward by avoiding his best friend completely for the past six weeks instead of confronting him and telling him the truth like an adult?

Concern and self-reproach increasing exponentially by the moment, Kaneki finally bolts upright and grabs his phone up from where it lies charging on his night stand, vehemently berating himself as he angrily jams his fingertip onto the fingerprint sensor, unlocking the device.

((Fuck fuck _fuck!_ What the hell is wrong with you Kaneki?!? How can you have been so stupid!? What if it’s too late? What if Hide ends up severely injured or worse all because you wouldn’t answer one measly fucking text!?))

The dark-haired man swipes down his phone’s control panel and taps on the notification of Hide’s last message, immediately pulling up their chat history.

[[ **BurgerKing1100:** This could be us but you won't talk to me anymore(frowny face emoji)]]

The ghoul’s eyebrows quirk in confusion as he reads the single line of text that is Hide’s message.  Below it is a second bright green text bubble populated by a single url code.  A sigh of relief at the fact that the other man seems not to be in any danger, tinged with a hint of irritation at himself for getting worked up over nothing, slips past the dark-haired man’s lips.  At least now he knows Hide is okay.  Now he can get back to bed.

But as he moves to return his phone to its place on the night stand, the ghoul hesitates.  This is the first contact he’s had with Hide since the day he left him—his heart aches unexpectedly with the thought of the other man picking up his phone to write a message to him despite the fact that he behaved so monstrously the last time they saw one another.  Even after he left him heartbroken and alone, Hide still had the balls to take the first step in reaching out to him…can he really just ignore the other man’s message like that?  It’s been over a month—ample time for him to cool down and approach the situation with a level head.  It’s very doubtful that just looking at whatever Hide sent him is going to send him spiraling out of control again, and besides, he has his “read” receipts turned on, so now that he’s opened the chat window the other man will be able to tell that Kaneki has seen his texts. 

More than anything though, he’s cloyed by the prospect of any contact at all with the blond, even something so indirect as following the link that he’s sent him.  He can’t help but imagine Hide at home, all tucked into bed in his cozy little apartment, thinking about him as he types out his message and copies the link into the chat window to share with him.  The idea that he was in the other man’s thoughts at all after what he did, that Hide could be thinking about him _at this very moment_ , fills the ghoul with a familiar warm, fuzzy feeling that he hadn’t realized he missed so much right up until just this second.

And so, terrified yet unable to deny his curiosity, Kaneki hesitantly taps the link and is immediately transported to a popular video uploading site.  Puzzlement marring his features, he reads the title of the video in question aloud to himself in the secluded darkness of his bedroom.

“’【LOLI MUKBANG】An Entire Roast Pig in One Sitting’…???”

The video cues up automatically, and Kaneki finds himself looking at a tiny girl who appears to be maybe just a little bit younger than himself.  She has two large pigtails perched on either side of her head and is dressed in what appears to be classic gothic lolita attire as she sits before a huge serving platter adorned with a giant pork roast, complete with a large apple lodged in the pig’s mouth. After a quick introduction, the girl starts to dig into the roast, looking for all the world like a ravenous animal as she goes at the meal face-first with no utensils, licking her lips and fingers eagerly as she ravages the pig’s roasted corpse with an almost sensual fervor.

The young ghoul’s eyebrows quirk deeply in confusion as he stares at his phone screen in morbid fascination.  A quick glance down at the video’s stats shows that it has over one _million_ views.

((Who is watching this and _why?_  Are the humans okay???))

His phone chimes again and the dark-haired man’s face blanches as he switches back to the messenger app to find that Hide has just sent him a new text along with a photo.  He must have realized that Kaneki finally saw his last two messages.

[[ **BurgerKing1100:** Why don’t you want to see me anymore, Kaneki? Do you hate me? Did I do something wrong??? I miss u (book emoji) (worm emoji) (broken heart emoji)]]   

Kaneki can feel his heart crumbling to absolute pieces at the other man’s messages, even as he desperately attempts to rationalize the situation.  He knows what he’s doing is for the human’s own good…so why does he still feel like such a _heel_? Everything in his earthly being is telling him to go to Hide immediately—to fly over to the other man’s house, bang his door down, apologize for everything he’s ever done to hurt him and hold him tight like there’s no tomorrow. 

But that selfsame part of him, the part that cares for Hide’s physical well-being as much as for his feelings, holds the ghoul firm in his decision, reminding him that nothing good could possibly come of him succumbing to his desires—not for him, and _definitely_ not for the man who is so intent on becoming his meal.

Below the forlorn little text, Hide’s photo has already loaded.  It’s a selfie of the blond lying on his bed, completely naked but for a few strategically placed pieces of parsley.  A large red apple glistens under the lighting of the other man’s room as it sits perched in his mouth much like the roasted pig in the video, and upon further inspection Kaneki realizes that there’s something off about the positioning of Hide’s other arm. Scrolling down a bit reveals the lower part of the photo, and the dark-haired man’s eyes go wide as he takes in the rest of the scene.  The hand not holding the camera-phone is positioned down between Hide’s legs, where the blond is holding a… _turkey baster_???

The large cooking implement is wedged up inside the other man’s entrance, where he already appears to have squeezed out a generous amount of some sort of sauce, judging by the small puddle of liquid that has seeped out of his ass and into the towels that lie folded neatly underneath the blond’s hips.

“ _AaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!_ ”

Screaming bloody murder, Kaneki reflexively hurls his smart phone away from himself with all his might, where it slams into his bedroom wall, making a large dent in the plaster there.  Mortified, the young ghoul dives under the covers, where he scrubs at his eyelids furiously in an attempt to erase the suggestive image that has now seared itself into his retinas, desperately willing his sudden, raging erection to subside.

The memory of Hide’s wanton expression staring up at him from the photo, a single trail of saliva glimmering under the soft lighting of his bedroom as it slides down the side of his face around the large piece of fruit that gags his mouth, tender pink little cock straining towards his bellybutton, knees rubbing together slightly as he empties the contents of the cooking implement into the depths of his own belly, harangues Kaneki for the rest of the night as he willfully suppresses the urge to masturbate to the thought of his best friend lying in wait for him, dressed up like a literal piece of cooked meat.  Trembling with exertion, the dark-haired man bites his wrists and thumbs raw while he squirms underneath his sheets, twisting and turning as he struggles against the storm of hormones and emotional turmoil that suddenly rage violently in his mind and in the pit of his stomach.

It’s nearly three o’clock in the morning when the young ghoul finally succumbs to his arousal, having had his nerves worn down to oblivion by the strain of denying his coinciding urges to mate and to feed.

“Hide… _Hide...what the fuck are you doing, Hide!? WHYYYYY!?”_ the beleaguered young ghoul sobs pitifully into his hands as he bangs his forehead softly against his headboard in frustration and defeat with the realization that the salacious images of the blond that torment him inside his own head have no intentions of letting him rest.

Limbs shaking, Kaneki crawls across the floor of his bedroom on hands and knees to shamefully reclaim his discarded smart phone, and when he does he’s both relieved and surprised to find that somehow, miraculously, it doesn’t even have a scratch on it.  For better or worse, it would seem the pricey protective cover that the store clerk had goaded him into purchasing when he bought his phone was actually worth the money.

With trembling hands, Kaneki taps open the messaging app again and is immediately confronted with Hide’s lurid nude photo, along with a few new ones that the human appears to have sent in the time that the dark-haired ghoul spent buried under his bed-sheets trying unsuccessfully to will down his erection.  Overcome by shame but nevertheless unable to deny his rising excitement at the sight of the other man, Kaneki slogs back to his bed, grabbing the box of tissues from his desk in passing, and climbs back under the covers with a defeated sigh.  After unceremoniously plopping the tissue box onto his night stand the ghoul settles in, stretching out with his back propped up against the headboard slightly and pulling the covers up over his waist.  As he scrolls down to the next of the photos that Hide has sent, Kaneki gives a low groan in the back of his throat and shoves a hand down his boxers with a grunt of frustration, followed by a little whine of despair when he realizes that each new photo is somehow even more arousing than the last.

 _Hide panting open mouthed as he rubs a lemon wedge into his nipples one at a time, pert little nubs glistening lewdly under the lighting of his bedroom and highlighting the alluring, dusky pink color of his areolas._  

 _Hide on his back with his legs spread wide open in an ‘M’ shape, eyes closed tight and hips lifted slightly up off the mattress while he desperately plunges the turkey baster up into the depths of his ass, mouth open and eyebrows scrunched up in exquisite agony as he squeezes the contents of the extra-long, cylindrical cooking implement out and into the depths of his belly._

_Hide lying with his head tossed back as he arches up off the bed, thick ribbons of cum squirting from his tip as he fists his cock desperately while he thrusts a massive, bright orange, carrot shaped plug up inside himself, reddened rim sucking at the base greedily as it fills him._

_Hide lying on his stomach, glancing back at the camera with a spent little smile as he arches back so that his ass is pressed high into the air, showcasing in perfect intricate detail the way the marinade leaks down from the puffy red rim of the blond’s abused little anus in thick rivulets as he forces the liquid back out of himself using only the muscles in his core._  

The ghoul sighs loudly as his fingers instinctively curl around his shaft, which is already embarrassingly slick with his own runny pre-ejaculate.  Eyes shut tight, Kaneki slides his closed palm up and down the length of his cock with increasing fervor, biting his lip as he imagines the other man riding him, plump thighs closing around his waist as his muscular ass clenches up around the ghoul’s thick erection, squeezing him tight.  In his imagination, the blond’s hands come down to plant themselves firmly on the plane of his rigid abs as Hide closes around him snugly, massaging the entirety of his shuddering, throbbing length with his tight, slick inner walls.  The added lubrication of the marinade and wet rub stuffed inside the blond creates a strange sort of friction, burning the sensitive tip of Kaneki’s cock a little as the human slides down his engorged length until the undersides of his testicles lie flush against the now desperately panting ghoul’s pelvis.

“ _Haah_ … _H-Hide_ … _!_ ”

Kaneki’s hand shifts up toward the tip of his erection then, so that he can roughly fist the end of it, fervently stimulating the weeping head of his shaft as he envisions Hide taking his swollen cock deep inside himself, tight inner muscles clenching around him fitfully as he thrusts so far up inside the other man that he easily breaches the blond’s sigmoid colon.  In his mind’s eye he can see Hide’s mouth hanging agape in a low moan as the ghoul fucks up into him desperately, throwing his head back with a loud cry when Kaneki uses the added weight from his vertical position to press all the way up into his core, spreading his tight channel open wider and wider around the ghoul’s grotesquely swollen dick with each heavy thrust to claim him deeper and more completely than any toy ever could.

_//“A- **ahh!** S-so deep…K-Kane-kiii…!”// _

“ _Aah_ … _!H-haaa_ … _Hide!_ ”

 _//”I-inside…W-want you to finish inside me Kaneki…Mnh…missed you so much, bookworm! P-Please…want your cum deep inside me…!! H-hahh…please, please, please…Kaneki…a- **ah!**_   _P-please, Kaneki...s-seed me like I’m a ghoul in heat...ahn!! Kanekiii…please, please, please…w-wanna take it all…wanna feel you filling up my belly with hot, thick ghoul cum till I can't take anymore! W-wanna carry your young, Kaneki…Kaneki… **please!”** //_

“ _Ah_ … _!_ Ah, Hide! _Guh!_ ” the dark-haired ghoul shudders and gasps helplessly as he bucks into his own grasp in hard, shallow thrusts, swiftly nearing climax.  The Hide in his fantasy continues to rattle off a litany of gratuitously lewd requests that he’s pretty sure even the real Hide would never utter aloud, begging the ghoul to finish deep inside him and bless him with a child.  He knows that the very idea is ridiculous—Hide can’t actually carry his children. But for as long as he’s been in love with the other man his body has been screaming at him to take Hide like he would a female ghoul in heat; to fuck him senseless and bury his seed deep in the blond’s belly until he can’t hold any more; to love him and hold him and keep him forever; to claim him and impregnate him with his young and care for him tenderly for the rest of his days like a proper mate would.

And then, like a greedy spectre stalking his thoughts, come the _other_ urges—the ones he’d buried so deep down in his soul that he had foolishly thought they’d never see the light of day again…the ones that remind him that Hide is not just a potential mate, but a potential _meal_.  He remembers reading in one of his psychology textbooks that there is a theory about all desires originally being one and the same.  Sustenance, love, sexual gratification, intimacy, comfort—during infancy all human needs supposedly manifest as a single, driving sense of yearning until the mind eventually learns which stimuli satisfy which specific urges and begins to differentiate those desires from one another.  Some of those same theories claim that the need to feed and the need to copulate are never able to completely be separated from one another; that for some individuals those two urges can even be almost one and the same. 

Kaneki has often wondered if that’s the case for ghouls as well—after all, they’re mostly human.  In his own case, though he is undoubtedly attracted to his childhood friend romantically, he can’t deny that there are some aspects of his feelings for Hide that stem from a deeper, darker underlying desire—the urge to make Hide a part of himself in a way that is more permanent than just the fleeting satisfaction of intimacy or sexual gratification; to consume and be consumed both physically and emotionally; to keep the other man safe and sound and a part himself forever. 

A part of him knows that this is precisely the reason why his childhood friend’s advances frighten him so badly. For if the ghoul is truly honest with himself—if he’s brave enough to lift up the lid that he has so firmly shut on his deepest, darkest emotions and peek inside—there is a very strong chance that what he’ll find there is a yearning to be as close to Hide as possible; one that goes far beyond ordinary intimacy, culminating in the most intimate act possible between human and ghoul—the act of devouring the other man, body and soul, until there is nothing left.  And if that really is the case, if the inevitable conclusion to his longing for his best friend is destined to result in Hide’s harm, he would gladly keep a lid on those feelings and everything that goes with them until the end of time.

 

Or so he had thought.

 

The reality is that the encounter that he had with the blond on the fateful day of his confession violently shook the foundations of Kaneki’s conviction.  It was one thing when the only thing he was protecting his childhood friend from was his own sick urges; it’s quite another matter now that it’s Hide _himself_ who is endangering the blond’s safety.  Bad enough that he’s fairly sure a part of him wants to rip his best friend apart and fuck his bloodied corpse—just knowing how badly the other man wants it too is enough to send the ghoul’s teeth chattering with anxiety and repressed longing. 

If he closes his eyes he can still taste Hide’s sweat and saliva, sweet and tangy and salty—more appetizing than the most tantalizing marinade he’s ever tasted—and _oh god_ he can only imagine what the other man’s spending and slick would taste like; what it would be like to press his tongue up into the blond man’s leaking entrance and lick around inside him slow and deep, savoring his unique flavor and the sounds of his helpless little cries for clemency.  He can practically feel the human going limp in his arms as he sinks his teeth into the tender flesh of his throat and squeezes down until the light fades from his eyes; the utter extasy of Hide’s lifeforce passing into him through his flesh as the other man’s perfectly soft, chewy fat, sinewy muscle and crunchy ligament settles in the pit of his stomach, making Hide his and his alone once and for all.

The thought of being with the other man so perfectly, body and soul, sends the dark-haired ghoul spiraling even deeper into the consummate inferno of his own need.  Kaneki lurches up onto his hands and knees with a desperate, low moan, shakily propping himself up with his non-dominant arm as he leans over the bed and pumps his shaft breathlessly, imagining Hide bucking and writhing on his cock as he pounds the blond deep into his mattress.

_//“K-Kaneki! D-Deeper…! **Ah!** Coming! I’m coming! Kanekiiii…! Ah! Ah! Ah!... **Ahhh!!”//**_

_“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Hide, Hide, Hide…Ah! Aahh…nh… **nngh!!** ”_

And then he’s gone, shooting off load after thick load of searing white ejaculate directly into his fist as the thought of Hide coming on his cock sends him careening over the precipice of his climax.  In his mind’s eye Kaneki comes deep inside the blond man, filling him over and over again with thick, stringy ropes of steaming hot, sticky seed until his non-existent womb swells heavy and full with several liters’ worth of the dark-haired ghoul’s potent cum.  In reality, his hand, sheets, and lower abdomen are drenched in copious amounts of the young ghoul’s spending as the tip of his cock continues to shudder and spasm again and again, spurting off long, heavy jets of molten hot seed into the perfunctory barrier of his softly twitching fingers.

Somehow, Kaneki manages to roll off the bed and stumble clumsily down the hall to his bathroom, cock in hand, where he slumps into the tub half-clothed.  Shucking his sweats and underwear the rest of the way down his hips, he continues to stroke himself fervently through his climax, bringing his free hand down to massage roughly at his balls as he imagines Hide clenching up around him, invisible womb inflating by the minute as the virile young ghoul pumps him full of sweltering hot seed.  Kaneki squeezes his thumb and forefinger around the head of his cock as he imagines the tight ring of the other man’s imaginary cervix straining around him, milking him dry as it contracts around his shuddering tip again and again.  The motion sends one bolt after another of pure ecstasy straight down into his core, until the dark-haired ghoul’s heavy testicles clench up against the base of his shaft so hard it hurts.  Kaneki’s balls twitch and shudder fitfully as they send load after piping hot load of thickly concentrated cum shooting up his shaft in molten hot waves, searing the inside of his shaft and the palm of his hand as he ejaculates fervently into his fist. 

By the time his impromptu rut fervor finally begins to subside, the young ghoul lies panting in a shallow pool of his own cum, shoulders sagging as his chest heaves with relief. The bathtub is cloaked in a thin veneer of steam and condensation as Kaneki’s sweltering hot ejaculate smolders against the cool porcelain of the tub, showing no signs of receding down the drain, and the dark-haired man gives a small groan of frustration and disgust when he finally realizes that he’s actually managed to clog up the tub.  

Ever since his last encounter with Hide several weeks ago, he hasn’t been able to touch his cock without flashes of guilt and uneasiness invading his thoughts, which means that Kaneki has been holding back over a month’s worth of pent-up sexual frustration until this very moment.  Now the thick slurry of his concentrated sperm and seminal fluid is so dense that his cum clings to sides and bottom of the tub here and there in a gross, gelatinous paste, punctuated by small globules of hyper-condensed ejaculate that now preclude the rest of the substance from draining out of the tub.   

Once he finally manages to collect himself, the dark-haired man makes a deeply dejected sound in the back of his throat and climbs out of the bathtub, shoving his sweatpants and underwear all the way off and into the dirty clothes hamper outside the bathroom door before he twists on the faucet at full blast.  Grimacing, Kaneki reluctantly reaches out and scoops up some warm water with both hands, using it to dilute his spending until it’s finally thin enough to filter down the drain by itself, then switches the shower on so that he can have a quick wash and rinse down the remainder.  The air in his bathroom is still rather thick with the smell of his own seed and arousal by the time he’s finished, but at least now he doesn’t have to look at the evidence of his moment of weakness.  He’ll still need to give the entire room a thorough scrub-down to get rid of the lingering smell and for his own peace of mind, but he’s far too spent to do anything but go back to sleep right now.  For the time being he settles for flipping the bathroom fan on before he heads for the laundry nook to grab a fresh pair of underwear and some clean sweats out of the dryer. 

Rather than head back to his room after that, Kaneki makes a bee-line for the living room, where he immediately collapses onto the couch.  His bed is an absolute mess, and the dark-haired ghoul has no intention of wasting any more of his valuable sleeping time on cleaning—there are just a scant few hours left before he has to be up and out of the house for his internship at his advisor's practice.  Instead he snatches the well-worn throw from the back of his sofa and pulls it over himself, shifting around fitfully for a bit until he figures out how to fit both his feet and broad shoulders under the medium sized cover.  Despite the mild discomfort of the cracks between the couch cushions shifting under his weight, Kaneki is so exhausted from the impromptu solo rut that it is only a matter of minutes before his eyelids grow heavy and sleep finally takes him, whisking him off to a dreamland populated with his favorite human’s soft sighs and susurrations, accompanied by the gentle press of the other man’s tender flesh against his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say? Fearousal is a powerful drug, folks, lol. 
> 
> ALSO, please let it be known that Kaneki has a special ringtone set for Hide even though literally _nobody else_ ever calls or texts him.


	3. 'N'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _His hand hovers over the front cover for a solid minute after he turns the book over in his palms a few times, but something stills the young ghoul from actually opening it up._   
>  _//“You said you know practically everything about each other—so how come you were so blindsided by this?”//_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who read and reviewed the first couple chapters! I'm sorry it took me such a long time getting back to some of you. Honestly I haven't really been in the right headspace for fanfic for the past few months, even just to read. I'm slowly getting back into it though, and I had a good laugh reading some of your thirsty af comments, lol. This chapter's rather downtempo, so it may not be to everyone's taste, but I really enjoyed writing it!

 

 

Thankfully for Kaneki, the next day at his internship things are blessedly ordinary. He has just a handful of clients to see to on Mondays, and all four of them are comparatively mild cases that require just a modicum of emotional labor on his part.  The sleep-deprived graduate manages to get through the day without incident despite having received minimal rest the night before and ironically, the fact that his energy resources are so limited means that he can barely spare a thought to the troubling blond who is at the root of said exhaustion.

The dark-haired ghoul has just come out of his last session of the afternoon, mentally patting himself on the back over the fact that so far no one has seemed to notice that he’s been running on empty for pretty much the whole day, when the universe finally decides to burst his bubble yet again.

“Oho~, if it isn’t my favorite underclassman. Fancy meeting you here, Kaneki-kun,” a familiar voice, low and feminine, calls Kaneki’s attention to the opposite end of the hallway, where he spots a feminine figure clad in a pristine white lab coat headed right his way.

“…Kamishiro-sempai?” he murmurs in response, completely bewildered, “I thought you were studying abroad until May. What are you doing home so soon?”

“It _is_ May,” the violet haired woman informs him with an confused little quirk of her eyebrow, “Is everything alright, Kaneki-kun? You seem a bit…overwrought.”

He grimaces slightly as the ever-astute upperclassman politely informs him that he is losing his mind.  A quick look at his phone screen indicates that not only is it May, but that they’re already five days into the month.  The overwrought young ghoul lets out a self-effacing little laugh at the irony of the situation as the senior graduate comes to a halt in front of him, peering into his eyes concernedly.

 “It is, isn’t it…sorry,” he sighs, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his neck as a slight flush threatens his cheeks at the memory of how he spent his evening yesterday , “I…uh…haven’t been sleeping too well recently. How was your trip?”

“It was _amazing_ ,” she gushes back, eyes lighting up with excitement, “You wouldn’t believe how different things are over on the main land. They’re honestly _years_ ahead of us in terms of application.  The research team I was on is already experimenting with that new theory I was telling you about. You know, that one about human versus ghoul physical cognition and kagune that I was researching for my thesis?”

“Ahh, yes, vaguely,” Kaneki replies, interest slightly piqued as the other ghoul steers him over to one side of the hallway by the elbow to allow a receptionist to pass, “Was that the one about mood control and kagune positioning?”

“That’s the one,” she nods back enthusiastically, “There’s so much more endowment available for psych research there since they’re in the middle of an economic boom, especially at the larger institutions. God, you wouldn’t believe some of the stuff they were working on at the school I visited.”

“Wow, that’s…really amazing actually,” Kaneki answers, eyebrows raised in genuine interest. Kamishiro Rize is a student from the class above him who just spent six months studying in Beijing as part of a collaborative research project with one of their sister universities. Her area of interest is slightly different from his, but they have the same graduate advisor and she always has information on new, interesting developments in the field.  She is the one of the only few other ghouls in their department, but he ordinarily he tries to avoid her—she has a knack for dragging other people into trouble somehow, and Kaneki has found himself on the receiving end of said trouble enough times to know when to steer clear. 

However, he must admit that it is oddly refreshing to talk to Rize again after not having seen her for the past several months, and he finds himself genuinely smiling as she soon falls into her habit of gushing over research. Kamishiro seems to have made a special place for him in her heart, ever since he first entered the department and she quickly realized that he was one of the few people patient and long-suffering enough to sit and listen to her hash out the intimate details of her work and related research papers ad nauseum—a skill that he’s acquired naturally over years of listening to Hide chatter on happily about new musicians and television stars that he knows absolutely nothing about.  The dark-haired ghoul has spent many a lunch period indulging the senior student while she rattles on about her latest reads, much to Rize’s delight, making him her designated favorite kouhai.

“God, I wish I could tell you more, but I’m actually here to drop off some documents for Arima,” she says, a tiny frown tilting the corner of her mouth for a moment, before she is suddenly struck with a brilliant idea, “Oh! Are you free any time this week? We could go out and get some drinks and catch up.”

“Uh…yeah, sure,” Kaneki nods, blinking as he suddenly comes to the realization that he hasn’t had a night out in over a month—It’s as if he really does have no life without Hide, “I’m off from work at the café on Thursday evening. I guess we could meet up then if you want.”

“Perfect!” she smiles with satisfaction, “I’ll text you when I get done that day. See you then!”

“See you,” he offers Rize a small smile of his own, waving her off as she adjusts the heavy looking bag on her shoulder effortlessly and heads off down the hallway toward their advisor’s office. 

 

Thus Thursday evening finds the dark-haired ghoul plastered to the counter of a popular bar just around the block from their school’s campus, well-known for its ghoul-friendly cocktails, which are advertised explicitly as being able to put even the hardiest of koukaku ghouls under the table.

“And then he sent me _pictures_ , sempai,” the beleaguered young ghoul sobs into his glass in abject mortification, “There was a turkey baster. _Marinade._ _WET RUB._ ” 

“God, Kaneki…that sounds…” she pauses, searching for the right words as she surreptitiously swipes at the corner of her mouth, “ _Horrifying._ What kind of a depraved human being would do something like that to an innocent, unsuspecting ghoul?”

“That’s just it though…I _know_ Hide—he’s not just some random sicko chaser out for my kagune,” Kaneki sighs, head lolling slightly as he takes another dejected swig of his drink, a spicy yet sour concoction flavored using passion fruit liqueur and a hint of ghost-pepper called a Scorpion Tail, that burns all the way down with the sting of powerful, ghoul-adjusted alcohol. Ordinarily Kaneki isn’t much of a drinker; usually when he goes out, Hide ends up finishing off half of his orders for him. He’s so used to ordering sweet, novelty cocktails to suit the blond’s tastes, he immediately picked out one of the most fruity, unique sounding drinks on the entire menu on pure reflex and has been throwing them back all night, “He’s like a _literal_ angel—the best thing to ever happen to me, Kamishiro-sempai. I mean like… _perfect_ in every way possible…but he just has this terrible… _terrible_ … ** _terrible_ **fixation on…what we discussed earlier.”

“Wow,” the purple haired ghoul blinks back, nursing at her extra strong Gin and Sin thoughtfully for a moment before replying, “Does he happen to have a single twin by any chance?”

Kaneki’s posture abruptly stiffens despite his drunken stupor as he grips his glass so hard a hairline fracture appears in the rim, accompanied by a sharp crackling noise.

“Hahaha, Okay, I get it,” Rize snickers, gently resting a hand on the bristling underclassman’s wrist in reassurance, lest he shatter the poor receptacle into a million pieces in his crushing grip.

They both startle then, as a loud crash abruptly sounds from somewhere off to their rear in the crowd.  A brief glance in that direction reveals a small opening forming in the moderately dense sea of bodies that populates the rest of the bar—somebody must have dropped something.  One of the bar staff snatches up a broom and dust-pan and hops over the counter, rushing off to see to the damage.

“So then why don’t you just talk to him about it?” the purple-haired ghoul suggests encouragingly, turning her attention back to her troubled colleague with a small shrug, “I mean, don’t you want to be with him too?”

“Of _course_ I want to be with him! That’s the problem!” Kaneki groans, “I want to ‘ _be with him’_ so hard I want to _rip his throat out while I pound him into the fucking floorboards!_ ”

Kamishiro lays a delicate hand across her mouth, generous bosom jumping slightly with suppressed laughter as she shakes her head in disbelief at the extremely uncharacteristic outburst from her fellow graduate.

“’S not funny,” the dark-haired man slurs heart-brokenly, “He’s really… _really_ sick… and I don’t know what to do for him, sempai. I mean, I can’t see him like… _this_ …I have no idea what I might do to him once we’re alone together— _especially_ not after those pictures... But I feel like a complete douche leaving him hanging like this for so long. I can’t just leave him on hold forever.”

“Some fucking psychologist I am…” Kaneki mutters, gazing dejectedly into his near empty glass, “Can’t even talk to my best friend.”

A contemplative look falls over Rize’s pointed features as she watches her friend take another long sip from his drink, quietly bemoaning his completely unreal predicament.

“Kaneki…How old is Hideyoshi again?” she questions, rubbing a pale finger along her chin thoughtfully.

“My age,” he replies, “He’ll be twenty-three next month.”

“Oh my god…I’m going to miss his birthday this year,” Kaneki murmurs suddenly, eyes going wide in realization, “We’ve never celebrated our birthdays without each other before—what have I done? I’ve ruined everything, sempai. This is all happening because I couldn’t keep my fucking dick in my pants. I should have just kept my stupid feelings to myself and been happy with what I had. God, this is such an absolute fucking clusterfuck, I—"

“Kaneki… _Kaneki, calm down_ ,” she reassures him softly, “Nothing’s your fault. (Well…nothing that happened before you dumped your best friend in a shameless display of cowardice anyway.) You’re not a bad person for having… _feelings_ …about your human friend. Think about it like this: What would you tell one of your clients if they came to you in confidence and expressed any of the things that you just told me? Would you belittle them for feeling a certain way about someone they love?”

“…N-no…” he mutters into his glass tentatively, swiping away the bitter tears that have drifted down his cheeks and to the tip of his nose, “I would never do that. It could re-traumatize them and make things even worse.”

“Okay, so why are you treating yourself like that? You’re a person too. You’re _allowed_ to have feelings…even ones that you find disturbing. Having thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person,” the older ghoul reminds him, “Honestly, I would say that from a societal standpoint, abandoning a friend in their time of need is way worse than having a problematic sexual fantasy about them that you clearly know better than to act on…Are you sure _that’s_ not the reason you’re feeling so guilty right now?”

The ghoul in question takes pause at the bold assertion, staring into his drink dumbfoundedly as his muddled brain struggles to process what she’s just said. _Is_ he just feeling guilty because he hurt Hide’s feelings? He really is afraid that he might physically injure the other man—Hide just has a way of pushing his buttons that drives him out of control—but he also can’t deny that there is a significant amount of truth in the other ghoul’s words.

“..But… _I don’t want to hurt him_ ,” Kaneki mumbles back.

“Then _don’t_ ,” comes the succinct reply, “Aren’t you hurting him _right now_ by avoiding him?”

The dark-haired ghoul grimaces at the pointed assertion, and Rize backtracks a little bit, realizing she’s struck a nerve.

“Anyway, I wanted to know how old Hide is because he sounds a bit like one of the participants from a study I read about a while back,” the older ghoul explains, “To be more accurate, it was really more of a collation of case accounts from patients who suffered from acute ghoul related vorarephilia.”

“Wait…you’re telling me there are studies on this stuff?” Kaneki groans back in disbelief.

“Kaneki…it’s _sex_ —there are studies on _e v e r y thing_ ,” comes the exasperated reply, “As a matter of fact, one of Professor Arima’s colleagues has been studying cases of ghoul attracted vorarephilia for over a decade. I stumbled on a very interesting book of his during my undergrad studies. Basically, it’s a collection of accounts from patients who can trace their vorarephilia back to childhood, often in association with some kind of trauma, with insights from the doctor on what may have caused these disorders and how he offers support. His observations actually offer some fascinating insights into human desire and how it manifests through certain fixations.”

“…And you’re telling me this after I just bore my soul to you about the love of my life being a hopeless sexual deviant…why?” the other ghoul queries after a long pause.

“ _Because_ , gaining some insight into what makes vorarephiles tick might help you figure out how to handle your… _predicament_ ,” Rize insists, “You said you and Hide know practically everything about each other right?—So how come you were so blindsided by this? You’re telling me that after all these years you don’t have _any_ idea how he got like this? _At all?_ Aren’t you even the _slightest_ bit curious as to what turned your best friend into a shameless kakugan-chaser, _desperate_ to be impaled to death on your ghoul-dick?”

“ _Kamishiro-sempai!!_ ” Kaneki wails, very nearly slamming his head on the table as he clutches his skull desperately in pure humiliation and despair. 

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes with a small shrug of her shoulders, “’ _Kagune’_. But I’m just pointing out the obvious, Kaneki. I really think reading up on the subject might help you make up your mind as to what to do about Hide. A lot of the accounts in the book are…very sympathetic cases, honestly. People can’t always control how their sexuality develops—if something traumatic happened to Hide to make him this way, he might really need you to at least offer him some acceptance and support right now.”

Rize peers at her underclassman meaningfully over the rim of her glasses as he slumps forward slightly, arms folding on the counter as he settles his nose against the side of his near empty glass and peers at the acid yellow concoction with a troubled expression.

“You don’t know what he’s been through Kaneki…He may have taken a serious risk in opening up for you because you’re the only one he trusts with these feelings,” she suggests, eyebrows creasing slightly in genuine worry, “I mean, what if he really _needs_ you right now? As I’m sure you know, conditions like that don’t just go away…Are you telling me you’d be okay with him going to someone else to satisfy his… _’urges’_?”

Those last words snap the dark-haired ghoul to his senses immediately. Kaneki sits up with a start at his upperclassman’s inflammatory suggestion, eyes burning with slowly subsiding drunkenness and barely subdued fury at the thought of someone else touching the blond in a way even remotely resembling the way that he wants to—some other, faceless ghoul pressing _his_ Hide onto his back, stripping him down, making him beg and moan, ripping him open wide to lay his trembling, wet insides bare to their hungry gaze—

This time the glass really _does_ shatter into dust in his grasp, sending half-melted ice cubes and droplets of what little remains of his drink flying everywhere.

Rize blinks at her underclassman a few times in surprise, until her shocked look is replaced by one of amusement as she calls the bartender over to help clean up the mess.

 

 

The following evening, when Kaneki returns to his desk in the shared research lab that houses all the graduates under his advisor, he finds a single tome, wrapped in a brown paper cover bearing the name of the large chain bookstore just around the corner from their school, lying atop the papers on his desk.  

A slight grimace settles over the dark-haired ghoul’s face as he tentatively lifts the book from it’s conspicuous resting place at the very center of his work space and turns it over in his hands.  It’s surprisingly thin—a soft cover about the breadth of a light novel.  Kaneki gingerly pries open the front cover and, out of pure habit, he cannot resist sticking his nose right up against the base of the spine as he quickly flips through the pages of the slender volume from beginning to end, fully immersing himself in the soothing scent of fresh book for a moment.  His hand hovers over the front cover for a solid minute after he turns the book over in his palms a few times, but something stills the young ghoul from actually opening it up. 

 _//“You said you know practically everything about each other—so how come you were so blindsided by this?”//_  

Rize’s words still ring out in the back of his mind, incriminating and painfully true.  When he had confessed to Hide, he’d been riding high on the crest of a wave of hormones and confidence to the point of near-giddiness after having just treated the other man to what he was sure had been the perfect outing—a fun trip downtown to a cool new 3-D art exhibit at the modern art museum, followed by a stop at Hide’s favorite record store (where the up and coming new band that the blond had been obsessing over for the past several months just so happened to be doing a limited poster signing) and, to top it all off, dinner at a cozy little boutique burger joint that had been getting rave reviews in the local rec magazine for some weeks now. 

 He hadn’t explicitly billed the outing as a _date_ when he’d floated the idea of spending the day together to the other man per _se_ , but by the end of the evening the vibe had been decidedly… _intimate_.  The conversation at dinner had unexpectedly veered into some pretty wavy territory after he’d casually mentioned the fact that Hide’s new, short haircut flattered his high cheekbones and the other man had teased back that the ghoul was just trying to get him home so that he could have his way with him.  At that point, Kaneki had had enough wine to sufficiently blur the line between courage and stupidity.  He had actually been so bold as to hold Hide’s gaze for a few moments longer than necessary as he joked back (more than half seriously) that he’d been wanting to have his way with the blond for longer than he could possibly imagine.  

He can still remember with perfect clarity the exact moment that the look in his best friend’s eyes had gone from good-natured amusement to dumbfounded shock.  A rare silence had settled over Hide then, as the man looked back at him with something akin to longing in his eyes for a split second, and even though the blond had immediately tried to move on from the awkward moment as best he could, abruptly inserting a painfully corny little joke about inter-species relations, it had been clear that something had changed between the two of them.  That brief instance of slippage had given Kaneki the one final nudge that he hadn’t known he needed—a hint of possibility strong enough to set the gears of his overactive imagination spinning so furiously he was damn near ready to propose by the time they had reached Hide’s house

For the entire train ride home, Hide had struggled to regain his footing, strangely polite all of a sudden and extremely reactive to his dark-haired counterpart’s every move.  When Kaneki had moved to get off the train with the blonde at his stop, just a few stations away from his own on the train, Hide actually blinked at him in surprise for a moment, seemingly having forgotten that he himself had suggested at the beginning of the day that the dark-haired ghoul come by and check out a new DVD Hide had been meaning to show him.  Kaneki had struggled furiously to keep his nonexistent cool as he trailed the blond up the steps to his apartment, and he hadn’t missed the slight flush covering the back of Hide’s neck either.  After years of occupying the same space as easily and naturally as breathing, it was suddenly like they were meeting one another for the first time, and it wasn’t as mere friends.

 

That’s exactly how the two of them had ended up sitting side-by-side in Hide’s living room, awkwardly watching the new concert DVD that the blond had been gushing about for weeks on end and both struggling in their own way—Hide to slip back into their usual comfort zone, and Kaneki to broach the subject of them becoming more than friends without passing out. Sure, Hide had seemed nervous, even shy leading up to the ghoul’s confession—why wouldn’t he be after having his best friend hint quite strongly over dinner that he’d been patiently waiting for the chance to jump his bones.  At no point, however, had Hide exuded the air of a man desperate to be fucked and eaten by said best friend in some of the most gruesome ways imaginable.

_((Why didn’t I see any of this coming??? Am I just a bad friend?…Hide…))_

Kaneki’s fingertips gently play across the cover of the little tome one last time before he decisively flips it open.  In an uncharacteristic display of impatience, he skips right past the foreword until he reaches the table of contents, reading through the title to each chapter discerningly as he tries to deduce which one might be able to give him some insight into what is going on with his best friend.  Unfortunately, the odd nature of the chapter titles makes it somewhat difficult to imagine what each one contains.

“’The Girl Who Saw Mother In A Ghoul’s Maul’…’The Boy Who Could Feel the Teeth of the World Closing In’…’The Boy Whose Flesh Became a Vessel for Forgiveness’…’” the perplexed ghoul reads aloud, face contorting in mild disturbance as he continues on, “…D-...Did a serial killer write this...?”

Curiosity rather piqued despite himself, Kaneki flips back to the cover insert where a brief profile of the author is printed.  The writer, a Dr. S. Tsukiyama, is apparently a clinical psychologist who specializes in ghoul related pathology stemming from childhood trauma and has been working with human children and adolescents who suffer from disorders related to ghouls for over twelve years now to varying levels of success.  The insert claims that the author published this book, detailing the development and supposed origin of some of his clients’ disorders in order to raise awareness of the reality of people suffering from such conditions, as well as reduce some of the stigma surrounding ghoul-attracted vorarephilia. 

The dark-haired ghoul’s eyebrows raise slightly as he reads through the brief description, actually somewhat surprised by the rather noble goals expressed by the author; he’s never really considered that humans who are obsessed with ghouls—or ‘ghoul-attracted vorarephiles’, as the author describes them—might be considered deserving of anyone’s sympathy.  Briefly, the memory of his best friend lying curled up against the pillows on his own bed, back shuddering softly as he cries into his own arms, flits though Kaneki’s mind’s eye, and something deep in his chest twists painfully.  Swallowing heavily, the young graduate decides to have a seat.  A deep, repentant sigh rushes past his lips as he flips back to the book’s foreword to begin reading from the very beginning the way he probably should have done in the first place, settling in comfortably in his chair as he does—this is probably going to take a while.

 

The minute hand has made its circuit around the face of his wristwatch three full times when the dark-haired ghoul abruptly sits up in his chair, eyes roving across the page in front of him frantically as he reads and re-reads the same passage at least four times in a row for certainty.  Chest heaving, Kaneki flips back to the first page of the chapter he is currently on, heart clenching and unclenching in his chest erratically as he runs his fingers over the clear, pristine lettering of the title, one by one.

 

‘The Boy Who Found Safety In A Ghoul’s Bite’

 

The chapter had begun much like all the others he’d read through up until then—a brief exposition of the client’s background up until they’d been referred or referred themselves to the author’s care—with all names and identifying details redacted of course—followed by a detailed account of the client’s symptoms, the doctor’s own insights on the circumstances surrounding the client’s disorder and course of treatment, and finally some personal accounts provided by the client themselves about their experiences living with the condition.  It was when Kaneki had reached one specific account from the client in question that it had all come together, and then come crashing violently down in an instant.

This particular client, whom the author referred to only as Boy N, had apparently lost his father in a violent ghoul attack at a very young age.  According to police records he and his mother had been present for the attack, as his father, an investigator assigned to the ghoul-specific crimes unit of the local metropolitan police force, had apparently been stalked to his home by the suspect and attacked in what was thought to have been a retaliation for a previous arrest by the victim, which had resulted in the subsequent trial, and execution of one of the suspect’s family members. Although the client and his mother were saved thanks to police intervention, the encounter left N with significant trauma, resulting in memory loss, night terrors, anxiety and a number of other issues.

By the time he came to the author as an adolescent, N’s family had seemingly moved on rather successfully from the incident, with his mother having remarried, and his new step-father having adopted him at the age of eight.  However, the client claimed to have experienced frequently recurring nightmares, despite being unable to recall the death of his father with any clarity.  He also professed to having frequent inappropriate thoughts and fantasies related to his closest friend, a ghoul of the same age with whom N had been acquainted for several years.

 

It was this particular revelation that had first caught Kaneki’s attention. Thus far all the other accounts had also been of humans who had discovered they had an attraction to ghouls from a relatively young age, but none of the other clients’ symptoms had manifested as an attraction to a close friend.  Save for the part about having lost his father, N seemed to bear an uncanny resemblance to Hide—he sounded bright, outgoing, well-liked by his peers, and extremely supportive of his best friend.  And like Hide, despite his deep aversion for kakugan-chasers, Kaneki had found himself strangely empathetic to N’s struggle, impressed by the young teen’s valiant attempts to curb his obsession and protect his relationship with his friend at all costs. 

Apparently, N had sought out a referral for himself from his regular counselor at age fourteen, after he had started to notice his thoughts straying into dangerous territory in regards to the friend in question.  He had been able to relate to the young ghoul, referred to as Ghoul K, just fine up until then, and claimed that a specific incident, described by the client himself in the proceeding passage, had precipitated his condition.

Kaneki bites back the nausea that threatens to churn his stomach as he reads through N’s personal account of his first intimate experience with a ghoul through painfully clenched eyes, heart seizing up periodically in his chest as he follows along with the boy’s experiences, feeling them almost as though they are his own.

 

_‘It happened after we came home from the movies one night.  [K] was staying over at my house because his relatives were out for the evening and he didn’t want to go back to an empty house after the movie we saw. […]We were both really tired—so tired we didn’t even stay up and talk like usual that night. I remember I went to take a shower after [K] had his, and when I came back he was sound asleep on my bed. I think he must've fallen asleep waiting for me._

_‘I didn’t want to wake him up, so I just laid a blanket over him and climbed in next to him. It wasn’t a big deal—we shared a bed all the time when we were kids…Plus, I guess I was a little bit scared after the movie too. I remember I felt so warm and relaxed with [K] there next to me, I drifted right off to sleep too._

_‘I’m not sure what time of night it was when I woke up next. My mind was still all fuzzy cuz (sic) I was still super tired, but I could feel [K] pressed up tight against me from behind. It felt…nice. I think he was still asleep, because he was mumbling a bunch of stuff into my ear and none of it made any sense…or maybe it just didn’t make sense because I was so tired. Anyway, that’s when I felt it._

_‘[K]’s teeth closed over the skin on the back of my shoulder really hard. I mean, not super painful or anything, just… **there** …and suddenly I felt this, like…calm…settle over me. He was holding me like…kind of like how I used to be held when I was really little and I’d get upset. I think…I think maybe my dad used to hold me like that when I was scared or sad or whatever....Maybe not. I dunno, that’s just how I felt. Like my dad…my **dad** , dad…was there. _

_‘I could feel [K]'s breath like it was flowing through me, and it was almost like I was inside his chest. I could feel how relaxed he was. It was like I’d never seen him so… **free** …before, even when it was just the two of us. […] I’d never really thought that hard about [K]  being a ghoul before. I wondered if this was the real him. Like maybe…I’d been forcing him to hide this part of himself from me this whole time and I hadn’t even realized it. […]And I realized that I’d been hiding from him too._

_‘[...]I'd been hiding so much from him...about how I can't be myself, l mean literally **can't**. How I have so many weird, messed up thoughts that I can't tell anyone, not even him. How weird I am in general, really. And...How I feel scared. A lot actually. Like every day. How sometimes it feels like any minute the Earth’s gonna open up and swallow me whole and I’ll just be gone without a trace and nobody will even remember I was here, because why should they? Like…what’s even keeping me here anyway? Am I even alive? Am I even **real**? I mean… **really** real? _

_‘But right then I felt…like…I dunno…’okay’, I guess. Safe. Like I didn’t have to hide anymore.  Like for once…I was free to just... **be**. I didn’t have pretend to be okay for anyone. I didn't have to not be weird. I didn’t have to be strong…not for my mom, or my dad, or my teachers, or my doctors or **anyone** anymore…because [K] had me. And after that...I guess I just wanted him to have... **more**. _

_'All of me.’_

Kaneki’s fingers tremble as he finishes reading through those last words for the fifth and final time and half-heartedly folds the book closed, something cold and heavy with finality slowly settling into the pit of his stomach—conviction.         

“ _Hide_ … _Hide, Hide, Hide_ …” he breathes, “ _I_ did this to you?”

He sits there like that for several minutes more, heart and mind racing as he struggles to reconcile what he just read with every single moment he’s spent with Hide up until that day.  The hands on his watch read well past eleven o’clock at night when his phone abruptly buzzes, startling him from his reminiscent stupor.

 

_[[ **FoodFighter67** : Does this belong to you?]]_

 

Kaneki blinks down at the screen of his phone for a second, struggling to remember who the handle of the person who has just texted him belongs to, until at last he recognizes the little avatar picture attached—Kamishiro-sempai.

His phone buzzes once again as Rize sends him another message—a photo attachment this time.  Still at a loss as to why the upperclassman would be sending him messages at… _11:46 at night_ , Kaneki squints down at the photo dubiously once it finishes loading, strongly beginning to suspect that he’s become the victim of her drunk texting once again.

However, the moment he opens the photo up to its full size, a familiar silhouette, crowned with a mane of bright blond hair, immediately captures his attention.  A closer look at the setting reveals that the photo appears to have been taken at a club of some sort—and a particularly shady looking one at that.  It’s not the surroundings that have his eyes widening in shock, however—it’s what said familiar looking blond is doing in said photo.

Another silhouette, a bit taller than the first, is leaned intimately into the blond in the photo, a large hand settled about the smaller man’s waist as the other curls about his chin, tilting his head back just enough that Kaneki can make out a familiar lighthearted grin. The most disturbing part of the photo, however, is that upon careful inspection it becomes clear that what appears to be one bikaku kagune is curled very suggestively about the blond’s left thigh.

As the dark-haired ghoul stares on in cold shock, which is quickly melting into something more like boiling rage, the phone buzzes a third and final time, this time with a hotlink to an address downtown—a location in a part of town where the local businesses are well-known for their rather questionable clientele. 

 

Kaneki is on his feet and out the door before the directions to the club have even finished loading up on his phone’s GPS app.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clearly Hide is poised to have a problem, lol.


End file.
